I Don’t Know Why I’m Frightened

Dearest Inmates,

“I don’t know why I’m frightened…I know my way around here…”

That’s Sunset Boulevard, the musical, for those who didn’t know (it’s fine, I can’t do basic math without using my fingers).

But really, I don’t know why (I’m frightened, not the finger math).

If there’s anything…ANYTHING I know my way around, it’s bipolar disorder.

And yet, it’s Wednesday. The new Andrew Huberman podcast came out at 8AM Monday. I’m usually deep into that at the latest 8:05. And I haven’t watched it. Haven’t even clicked on it. Because…I’m not sure.

It’s about bipolar disorder. There.

But what’s even stranger about my extreme hesitation is that I ASKED Andrew to do an episode on bipolar. And he has (not because of me). And I’m afraid to watch it.

I can only think of three reasons why this might be:

I’m afraid to learn something about my brain that I didn’t already know (which would be the point, so what’s wrong with that?).
I’m afraid to analyze myself more closely than I am comfortable doing.
I’m afraid to reflect on past highly unpleasant experiences to do with being bipolar, before I was able to thrive with it (that bit took decades).
I’m afraid I’ll disagree with something I hear.

That was four things. I know. I wasn’t using my fingers.

It’s number four by the way. I didn’t know it until I typed it out. But it’s number four.